Dealing with people you can't stand: how to bring out the best in people at their worst

Part 1. Getting to Know the People You Can't Stand --

1. The 10 Most Unwanted List 3 --

2. Lens of Understanding 13 --

3. Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions 27 --

Part 2. Surviving Through Skillful Communication: Prevent Conflicts and Resolve Problems Before They Get Out of Hand --

4. From Conflict to Cooperation 37 --

5. Listen to Understand 43 --

6. Reach a Deeper Understanding 49 --

7. Speak to Be Understood 55 --

8. Get What You Project and Expect 63 --

Part 3. Bringing Out the Best in People at Their Worst: Specific Goals and Action Steps for Dealing with the 10 Most Unwanted --

9. Tank 71 --

10. Sniper 83 --

11. Know-It-All 95 --

12. Think-They-Know-It-All 105 --

13. Grenade 115 --

14. Yes Person 125 --

15. Maybe Person 139 --

16. Nothing Person 149 --

17. No Person 161 --

18. Whiner 171 --

19. What If People Can't Stand You? 179 --

Appendix: How to Change Your Attitude 193.

Part 1. Getting to Know the People You Can't Stand: We reveal the 10 Most Unwanted and provide you with the Lens of Understanding and show you how The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions --

1. The 10 Most Unwanted List: Ten specific behaviors that represent people at their worst! 3 --

2. Lens of Understanding: A magnifying glass on behaviors reveals the motives behind them 13 --

3. Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions: How thwarted intent produces behaviors that make people difficult to deal with 25 --

Part 2. Surviving through Skillful Communication: Prevent Conflicts and Resolve Problems Before They Get Out of Hand --

4. From Conflict to Cooperation: United we stand, but divided we can't stand each other. Conflict occurs when the emphasis is on differences. Reducing differences can turn conflict into cooperation 35 --

5. Listen to Understand: When two or more people want to be heard, and no one listens, an argument is inevitable. Listen and understand first, and you unlock the doors to people's minds 41 --

6. Reach a Deeper Understanding: Sometimes the most important and useful elements of communication are hidden, not just from the listener, but from the speaker as well. Identify these to get a positive outcome 47 --

7. Speak to Be Understood: What you say to people can produce defensiveness or trust, increase resistance or cooperation, promote conflict or understanding. Learn these ounces of prevention! 53 --

8. Get What You Project and Expect: People rise or fall to the level of your expectations and projections. Use these projection strategies to motivate your problem people to change themselves 59 --

Part 3. Bringing Out the Best in People at Their Worst: Specific Goals and Action Steps for Dealing with the 10 Most Unwanted --

9. Tank: Pushy and ruthless, loud and forceful, or with the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser, the Tank assumes that the end justifies the means. Expect no mercy 67 --

10. Sniper: This covert operator identifies your weaknesses and uses them against you, through sabotage behind your back or well-aimed putdowns in front of the crowd 79 --

11. Know-It-All: This person knows 98 percent of anything. Just ask! Know-It-Alls will tell you what they know

for hours at a time

but won't take a second to listen to your clearly inferior ideas

91 --

12. Think-They-Know-It-All: This character doesn't know much, but doesn't let that get in the way. Exaggerating, bragging, misleading, and distracting, these legends-in-their-own-minds pull you off track 101 --

13. Grenade: When they blow their tops, they're unable to stop, and shrapnel hits everyone in range. Then the smoke clears, the dust settles, and the cycle begins building to critical mass again 111 --

14. Yes Person: Quick to agree, slow to deliver, the Yes Person leaves a trail of unkept commitments and broken promises. Though they please no one, Yes People overcommit to please! 121 --

15. Maybe Person: When faced with a crucial decision, they keep putting it off until it's too late. But there comes a point when the decision makes itself. Then it's nobody's default but their own 135 --

16. Nothing Person: You won't know what's going on because they tell you nothing! No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback. They seal their mouths and stare past you as if you're not there 145 --

17. No Person: They say that, "What goes up must come down." And what comes down must never be allowed to get back up again. Doleful and discouraging, they drive others to despair 157 --

18. Whiner: There's a plan for their lives, but they're not in it. Instead, they wallow in their woe, whine incessantly, and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders 167 --

19. What If People Can't Stand You? By now you may have recognized that you, too, have days when you are at your worst. So what can you do about it? Find the answer in this exchange of letters 175 --

Part 4. Communication in a Digital Age: We reveal the limitations and pitfalls of phone communication and e-mail and show you how to turn the pitfalls into advantages with a pound of prevention --

20. Communication and the Challenge of Technology: When you take advantage of digital communication tools like the phone and e-mail, you lose access to valuable communication cues. But where something is lost, something is gained. We show you how to use these tools to your advantage 191 --

21. Eight Ounces of Prevention in Phone Communication: You can't see them. Here we show you how to take advantage of the fact that they can't see you either! 195 --

22. Eight Ounces of Prevention in E-Mail Communication: You can't see them or hear them! Here we describe how to avoid the pitfalls and access the possibilities 203 --

Afterword: How to take the big step of applying the little steps in this book 215 --

Appendix How to Change Your Attitude: Need the courage to stand your ground when you want to run, or to step forward in the face of determined opposition? Get an attitude adjustment when you need one! 219 --

Changing Your Reactions --

Changing Your Perspective --

Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself.